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Time to Write

Things are changing. They are always changing. Every moment when I get into the rhythm of “I got this” life happens and I have to learn to dance to a different beet and sometimes life doesn’t even provide me with the music to dance to and I sort of have to be super creative. Now is one of those moments where there is music but it the station keeps getting changed a lot and I have learned to just roll with it. Funny thing is that it keeps mixing my favorite hip hop station with my least favorite techno station and I have NO idea how to dance to techno. But even my favorite Hip Hop station is throwing me curve balls that I can manage and they are not horrible but throw me off beet. Thankfully there is more Hip Hop than Techno.

So here it is. Remember when we purchased the house the summer of 2016? The 1978 monster of a house that was frozen in time in 1978. There was shag carpet everywhere. Even in the bathrooms. There was carpet in the kitchen. Yep you read that right. IN THE KITCHEN!!! We knew that was not going to fly with 4 young boys, a dog and 2 cats. So we ripped out ALL the carpet except in the formal living and dining room which looked newer than the rest. But Ya’ll the carpet in there is cream colored and that is where I have the boys fenced off when I need to finish dishes, laundry, cook dinner or what have you and the dining room is the play room at the moment and the formal living is the game room with the ugliest pealing pleather couch that you could think of. We stalled out of updating the house about 7 months ago. Getting all of this done with 4 kids, a dog and 2 cats in tow on top of homework, school pick up, mountains of laundry, all the meals and all the normal stuff we have going on just wasn’t happening. One of our investments did well and we suddenly had the money to pay someone else to do the work and it was like a light shown down from the heavens. This is where I spend most of my time. In this house and we have had nasty concrete floors for over a year. The toilets and everything in the bathrooms is an ugly beige that makes me want to stab myself in the eye. But we have a great friend that does AMAZING work and was willing to take us on as clients and I am so excited to see what he will do for our house. Hopefully by the end of February I will have the house of my dreams. Before then we ran into some snags.

We found bats in the attic Bye Bye $1170 for removal and clean up

We hired a structural engineer because of some uneven floors and wanted the foundation to be fixed before we put new hardwood floors on. We need piers and foam to stabilize the foundation. Bye Bye $10,000

We needed some trees trimmed and removed from our property and the rental property. Bye Bye $2400

This all before we even start on the whole house remodel. The new appliances needed and the furniture that we need after that is done. We never fully moved into this house because it was never finished. The attic above the garage (that doesn’t have bats) is still full of our stuff that I never moved in because we had so much left to do. Also we moved from a 1500 sq ft house to a 3390 sq ft house. We still have whole rooms that we don’t use at all because they really aren’t usable because there is just subflooring.

As I was dealing with all the contractors (I’ve already been stood up 2 times and we haven’t even started on real renovations) I get a call from my 3rd boy’s principle. It is that call that no parent wants to hear. “You need to come pick up your preKer because he has been violent towards another child and has left marks on him.” I was in complete shock and disbelief. He is stubborn and sneaky and a hand full at home but never would I have imagined that he would be violent towards another child on purpose. I left a note on the door that I would be back in a few minutes for the contractors and speed off to school. Ashamed of my sons behavior. When I asked him why he did it he told me that he wanted to come home and this is the only way he gets to go home. It was one of my few days where I get to get stuff done without having small children under foot. My youngest (who is almost 2 and throws the greatest tantrums ever at the moment) was at his little preschool and I was trying to pack as much into my window as I could. Alex, my #3, got suspended for the rest of the week. He thought he won the lottery and got to stay home. I took away screens, I took away games, but honestly there is little I could do to make staying home with me less great. He hates school. Says his teacher doesn’t like him and even though I have asked for a change, written emails and showed up to meetings and other things nothing but a Behavioral plan has been done for him. The child that hasn’t done anything like this before is suddenly labeled a psychopath by his teacher because he is trying everything in his power to get out of there. What really makes me sad is he begged to go to “big kids school” for almost a year before he started. He had been dreaming of it for so long and I remember sitting down with the teacher at the beginning of school and thinking “oh no” that she was not a good fit for him and this might not go so well. I thought he would be unruly for her but NEVER violent. I can’t change things for him at school. I can just be a loving place for him at home. Make sure he talks about his choices at school and try to move on. This part of parenting sucks. When they have to learn to be outside of your zone. If they never really learn this the rest of life will be hard. I don’t want that for him.

As all of this is going down, the endless estimates and contractors and Alex making himself seen in our large busy family, I am also planning a trip to Iceland to see my family for Christmas. We won’t be there for long so I’m trying to introduce my boys to all of the different families on a one on one basis. This takes planning. I also have to make sure that I have all the outdoor clothing we will need for all 4 of them. Good shoes for all kinds of weather and that I make time for friends and us too with out hurting too many feelings.

Like I said at the beginning of the post, most of my music is good music that I love to dance to, finally getting the house done the way I like it and money not really hindering that, but I find myself stumbling through the techno noise and feeling like I am failing in ways along the way, when I am navigating the parenting outside of my control zone, watching my child not thrive and knowing that he needs to learn to be without me and I will not always be able to pick and chose his caretakers or bosses along the way. I hate that he is learning this so early. He is only 5. But also sheltering him even longer might not be helpful either.

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So Much Change!

OK since the last time I posted a lot has happened and since I am suffering a bad cold at the moment and stuck on the couch I thought I would update everyone. You know because having a 4th kid wasn’t enough. A) we got a puppy! and B) we bought another house!

I know I’m crazy and my body is completely telling me how crazy I am but that is a whole other blog post. 13217393_10156975132635118_3143750346418388979_o

This is Freyja! She is a mess of a Beagle Pug mix. Shortly after mom died I had a dream. My mother visited me in the dream, held my then 3 boys, and told me “Olof give the boys their puppy and everything will fall into place.” At the time I just took it as a grief dream and I didn’t give it much thought. Almost 3 years later I suddenly needed to get a dog. Husband wanted (and still doesn’t) nothing to do with this dog. She is a mess. She can’t be trusted with the kids but she is now only 8 months and getting better every day.

Shortly after adding a dog to our, already large and busy, family, I suddenly needed to move. It was like an urge that I just had to fill NOW. My children needed a better school and we needed more room. I used to daydream of a beautiful colonial home and drive though a neighborhood here in Tulsa that has these BEAUTIFUL colonial homes. I knew that a house like that was not in the cards. Especially not in that neighborhood. I also was wanting a home in a neighborhood where my kids could go outside and ride their bikes. I had a tall order for a house on a limited budget. We wanted to stay under $200K and at least 2000 sq.ft. We needed at least 4 bedrooms because I was not going to move again before the boys move out unless we are moving out of state or out of the country and then I would just sell everything and not bother with moving all of it.

I started looking at Zillow and texting my awesome Realtor to start looking at houses. We had looked at a colonial in a good school district but the people that owned it wanted more than we were willing to pay for it and the kitchen was small. We looked at so many houses. The only ones I really liked were under contract before I could even make an offer. We were looking for something that we wouldn’t need to do anything to. Yeeeaaah…….. The ones that were within our budget were too small when it came to bedrooms for the boys. I had looked at our current house on Zillow. Loved the exterior, the space, the school, and the neighborhood  BUT the interior was horrendous. It was stuck in the 70’s with original shag carpets, wood paneling and all.There was carpet in the kitchen and the bathrooms! I looked on Zillow but did not want to do all the work so I did not want to go see it in person. Then I started getting really frustrated. I needed to move! It was like I was being pushed and pulled to move by something. I finally went to looked at this house with my realtor and husband and kids. I saw the potential but knew that it was going to be a process. This house is more than double the size of our last house that was 1500 sq. ft. At 3392 sq. ft. 4 bedrooms, 2 and a half bathrooms and a bonus room over the garage, it is a monster of a house. I still have to pinch myself that we actually have a house this big and in such a great neighborhood. I couldn’t believe that I had squirreled away enough money to pay for a down payment on a house like this without selling our other house. 13346319_10157062611325118_5197928201563293277_o

The closing was a mess of papers and the move was a sweaty mess with 4 kids in tow. We were moving during the hottest time of the year here in Tulsa, Oklahoma but we needed to be moved before the boys started school. We were so lucky that my in laws, my brother, and several friends were an amazing help. Both moving and with renovations.

We have only gotten flooring on a small portion of it. We started by tearing all the carpet, except in 2 rooms, out. Scheduled a large trash pick up by the city and got all of the carpet on the curb. We had to wear masks. It was Soooooo gross. But it got the smell out of the house that was stuck in it.

Then we got all the doors off, even the cabinets. They were all a dark wood. Making the house really dark on the inside. We painted them all white. It was a great face lift for the kitchen. We have managed to put floors in 2 of the bedrooms and 2 of the 3 bathrooms. We have amazing dreams for this house but it will be slow going since we have now used up all of our extra money. All gone! What is left is our emergency fund and that is for emergencies. But slow and steady the paint is getting done and flooring is getting put down. We don’t want any carpet.

Every time one more thing gets done I feel a weight lifted off of my shoulders. Because, you know, taking care of feeding and keeping 4 kids clean and a 11 month old safe from himself leaves me plenty of time to paint and keep working on the house. My health issues have not helped either but I’m hoping that I will start seeing the end of the tunnel soon.

What did we do with our other house, you may ask, since we didn’t sell it? You guessed it, we are now landlords. Friends of ours offered to paint, repair and clean the old house and in return they will be saving $1500 over the next year on rent. I thought it was a great trade and I knew that they would be amazing tenants.

I’ve had to make some changes since moving. HOA laws say that we can’t have chickens so my chickens went to a wonderful home at my amazing in laws. They are treated much better there than I was able to with everything else on my plate and they are about to take my bees too. My plate is more than full at the moment and these beings deserve being taken better care of than I can at the moment. I was so thankful I could get them somewhere they are really cared for and that I can visit. One day I may get back into bee keeping but right now I am going to focus on making this house our home. Less than half of our house is being used at the moment. There is so much left to be done. I will slowly make this house a home my children will hopefully love to come home to and my friends and family will love to come visit. Having plenty of room for visitors. I will get into my plans for this house in a different post. I hope I start blogging more often and share my story again.

What are you up too? Any advice for our renovations?

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Introducing Ragnar Baldur

 

As I have told you in prior posts I was expecting a baby. That baby was born December 7th of last year. His name is Ragnar Baldur and he is the easiest baby I have ever had. He is both easy on the eyes and sleeps really well. He goes for 5-7 hour spurts at night. I am so lucky and thankful for his sleeping so well.

 

Since I have other kids I’m not getting much more than 6 hours at night but most nights it is continuous sleep which I have never had before with a little one like this.

He was less than a week old when I started to need to cart him to school Christmas events. He almost never fusses at being dragged all over creation as long as he is dry and not hungry then he usually just sleeps through it.

This mamma is just so in love with this little human. His brothers are so happily surprised that he doesn’t interrupt their lives too much and they are great helpers.

Pour Ragnar got really bad baby pimples. But they have since cleared up.

I’m sure you are thinking Ragnar Baldur is an interesting name to pick but if you watch the show Vikings (and if you don’t you really should because they are a really good depiction of what the viking culture was really like) then you might have noticed that the main character’s name is Ragnar. It means a warrior sent from the gods.

 

His middle name Baldur is a Nordic god name. The god of poetry and beauty. So now we have our oldest Odinn, the god of gods, our next oldest Magni, the god of strength, our 3rd child Alexander Thor the god of thunder, and now Baldur.

 

Ragnar was 10lbs 3oz at birth. Many of you might be thinking that that is big. It is not small. But Alexander Thor was 11lbs 14oz. I worked so hard this time not to have a giant baby by watching what I ate and going to the gym daily until I got sick and started coughing and didn’t stop. So the 3rd trimester I was not as active but I made sure I didn’t put on more than 29lbs and lost 21 of them giving birth.

 

When I need to get housework done and he is awake usually putting him in his bouncy chair with a toy will keep him busy for long enough to clean up the kitchen and start a load of laundry.

Waking up in the morning to this face never gets old. No matter how tired I am I smile and am thankful for all the love and beauty he brings to this family.

Most of the time when we have appointments for my son’s orthodontist or a Dr’s appointment this is the norm. He sleeps in his car seat and I knit or read something. During swim lessons he just hangs out in his ergo baby.

There have only been a hand full of days since this child was born where he just needed to be held and all else had to wait and during those days I hold him with gratitude for he will only be little once and since this is rare I have an excuse to just sit and snuggle him. My surprise baby that was far from planned.

 

Most of the time he is a happy laundry helper but in that pic you can see it is not ALL the time.

 

 

He found his thumb a couple of days ago. Magni and Alex also did that for a little while at this age but never got into it. But who knows, I might have my one and only thumb sucker.

Love his little baby voice. And that is it. Sorry about flooding you with images and videos. As you can tell I am head over heals about this guy. My surprise 4th. The baby I cried for 2 weeks over when I found out that he was on his way and I thought that I couldn’t handle any more children. But here he is and he is perfect.

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Choosing My Family

This Christmas day had me thinking about what I want out of life. What I want for my children and my future. What is more important to me and our family. I always go through certain stages of grief when I become stay at home again. It is almost always the same. I go from Super Mom and Wife in the first 2 months where everything is cleaned up and put away and I dive into closets and drawers to rearrange and clean out and suddenly around month 3 I hit a wall. I know what it is. I can analyze it but to stop it is harder. I hit the dip. The depression and I have a hard time getting myself out. I get tired of doing it all and getting no thanks or acknowledgment for it. I get tired of picking everything up after everyone but I don’t want to be the wife and mom that bitches and moans constantly so it builds up and I stop doing it all. I start only doing the things that have to be done and if there is no deadline it doesn’t get put on the to do list. Oh, my to do lists. They are sad now. I write them out and then ignore them and then I see them again and just get depressed. I, by all means, do not sit around all day picking my nose. I have a very active, giant two year old that I run after all day getting him off the top of my desk or stopping him from pushing his chairs or rocking horse over to a child gate to climb over it. I am constantly putting out fires it seams of dirty diapers, laundry, meals and picking up children from school, helping with homework and getting them in bed.

My husband started a new work schedule. He works 8-6 M-Thur. so that he gets every other Friday off. This is another adjustment. By the time he gets home most nights it is 6:30pm and the kids go to bed at 7:30. So each day he only gets an hour with them except for one Friday where he is home when they get home from school. It makes for a VERY long day for me.

2014 Willow Tree Ornament 

I have my outlets. I have play dates at my house on Tuesdays where my fellow grad student stay at home parents come to talk to save their sanity and mine. Where our children play and we get to talk about how non-glorious it is to be a parent. The poop, vomit and little to no sleep you get. Then we turn around and boast about how great our children are and how we couldn’t imagine life without them.

My being home now is a choice that I go back and forth on if it is really what I want. I love working. I love being around other intelligent grown ups. I love the immediate change I have made. Being home is different. I know this is what is best for my children but the rewards are small and far between. There is no paycheck and the gratitude is little to none when it comes to kids. I take enjoyment from hearing my kids interact with one another. They are really forming good lasting relationships. If I had them in aftercare then they wouldn’t even be in the same room after school. Being a mom and wife is frustrating a lot of the time but the good moments are REALLY good. I get to go on field trips and see the plays. Pick them up from school and ask them about their day in a non-rushed manner. I get to be in the moment with them and not constantly worrying about if I have everything for dinner or will I have to feed them fast food again.

Dough raising for homemade bread

As a parent how do you choose? How does one keep themselves sane and do what is best for their family? I’m reading Radical Homemakers which is really helping me see my value as a stay at home mom with a very expensive Master’s degree. In our current society, that values more what you can buy instead of make and produce, it is hard to stay focused on all I do for my family by growing our veggies, raising chickens for eggs, keeping bees for honey, knitting, sewing, baking from scratch, and learning now to clean with safe chemicals. Making a home. Raising a family. Being here for them. Choosing to produce instead of buy.

My backyard flock

I choose to be home because I choose my family. I choose forming good solid bonds with my children, I choose spending more than 2.5 hours a day with my children that are just rushed because dinner needs to be made and then things need to be cleaned up. I choose having time and energy to make home cooked meals instead of fast food or frozen meals full of chemicals that I can’t even pronounce. I choose to cut back, have a smaller home, have second hand items and older cars because in the long run that is not what kids really care about. They care that their mamma is there for them. That she is willing to cut back and live a less lavish lifestyle so that she can be home with her kids. They care that their mamma is there to cheer them on and not some care taker that might not even work there tomorrow.

As you see in this post this choice was not easy for me as an individual that loves other grown ups and needs to be mentally challenged but as a mother it was a no-brainer. I choose my children because they are little for such a short time and before I will know it they will be too busy with their own lives to need me this much. I tried working. While I was happy at work I felt guilty about leaving my children to be cared for by someone else not even related to them.

Road Trip back from the grandparents.

I am far from perfect. I do the best I can with what I have but when women say that they can’t afford to stop working what they are saying is that they are not willing to give up the huge house, the new car and the cable package for their children. It is possible to live on one income. It is hard. It takes a lot of work and planning but you can choose your family over running the rat race. You just have to downgrade to the point where one income is enough and then make that a home. Your home made by you and not what commercials tell you it should look like. I have a friend that does an amazing job of keeping a home on her husband’s income. Her home always looks like it is out of a magazine but almost ALL of the things are bargain finds at flea markets, second hand stores, craigslist, and antique shops. If she can’t find it that way she has her husband make it. She even dug her own fence posts and built a fence around her back yard herself. They bought a beautiful home that needed a LOT of work cheap and did almost all of the work themselves fix it. I have another friend that is home with 5 kids all 7 years or younger who she homeschools, keeps a neat home, grows her own food, keeps chickens and goats and makes a lot of food from scratch. These women are superheros in my mind. On top of this they themselves look amazing.

I don’t have the first friend’s talent for homemaking. I also don’t have the second friend’s patients to homeschool and I certainly am not keeping myself in shape at the moment even though I am trying.  I am not an interior designer  or a school teacher at heart. I knit, sew, cook and bake with the best of them but the work it takes to keep a home like she does is more than I have the energy to do with 3 kids 6 years and younger. I do the best I can with what I have. I am a housewife first and foremost.

Of course there are exceptions to the rule when it comes to being able to stay at home. If you are a single parent or you have lost your spouse then you have to work. Also if your spouse is unable to work then that also leaves you to be the bread winner. I have friends that are stay at home dads and that is awesome. At least there is one parent there to take care of the child or children and home. People are not bad people or parents if they choose to work away from their children but if there is a will there is almost always a way. It just takes choices that you might think are steps back when really they are steps forward.